Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Enargeia Assignment
It is an unsettling anxious discomfort, a nuisance that turns into something genuinely crippling. Beginning as merely a tingling sensation it grows exponentially in what seems like an instant. As my discontent erupts into an animalistic necessity my mind begins to rationalize the social implications, and legal ramifications, of public urination. Relief awaits me in an almost infinite number of locations, yet all too often I find myself stranded in a toilet-less chasm. I nearly lose control of my bladder as I demolish the door which obstructs my release. The sanctity of this moment is immediately calming. I am relieved.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
• This is an event/time: you gots to pee and the world is not cooperating.
ReplyDelete• The growing sensation really works in this paragraph. Even your sentence structure is mimicking it with all those compounding sentences and comma-linked phrases. I also like that you're working so much with your internal sensation: you're not describing what you're seeing, because that's not where you're focused, and it helps to turn our focus inward as well. This is one of the few times when I think language of becoming or growing works like it's supposed to, because it's mirroring a sensation.
• I'm thinking I should be feeling dread, but it's either too formal or not formal enough. I could be feeling funny dread if you played this up more or genuine dread if you want to really hold off on what's actually happening until the very end. If you want to go formal, I'd make this about an internal struggle so epic I'm expecting you to werewolf out. If you want to go funny, try physical cues -- that'll clue in your audience that you have to pee without making it obvious, and it'll also make people giggle because taboo subjects are inherently ridiculous. The feeling of building laugher could mirror the building need, and if you drop a punchline at the moment of release you could get some more closure.
• I really dig the religious metaphors. Again, those would play even better combined with humor and melodrama, or on their own for tension. I like your discontent erupting into animalistic necessity, because that's exactly what it feels like and it provides an excellent point of emotional shift.
• I think you'd benefit from a little more length, and from picking a side. You're straddling the line between drama and humor and doing that always kills both. Also, the line about becoming aware that other people are better at holding it than you, and the one about the moment being short, seem out of place, probably because these are sensations specific to you. If we can't identify with the feeling, you have to make it really vivid for us -- highlight the difference between you and other people, and play up the bittersweetness of momentary release, maybe by comparing it to something that's always too short for other people.
Chris,
ReplyDeleteI think you did a good job creating drama about the situation you frequently find yourself in. While this really brings it home for your readers
I would have liked to know the source of your discomfort earlier in the paragraph because without this knowledge, I had to read the paragraph again to really grasp the meaning of the details you provide. When reading your initial description I got the impression that the experience was something far more sinister than what it actually was, which made it funny when I realized that it was about not being able to go to the bathroom. I think it would be even funnier if you let us know in the beginning.
To make your description more powerful, try eliminating excess wording. For instance, instead of "Through simple observation it has become apparent" something like, "Simple observation has told me..."
I don't understand the meaning of the sentence, "this moment is unrequited bliss," because when something is unrequited it is not returned or reciprocated, so I don't understand its use in this sentence. Do you mean the bliss is only momentary? That is won't last?
The last sentence is a little awkward. I get what you are trying to say, but maybe just hit it home with your readers with something to the the effect of, "and the torture will soon start again."